It’s very easy to become consumed with negativity. Wars, disease, poverty, the list is as old as time and ever present in various forms. There are pressures, both put upon us and self inflicted on what constitutes success, leaving us with a feeling of failure or lack of hope. But the reverse can be true.
To be hopeful and optimistic is not to ignore the present, indeed is not even an “easy” option but is to see the joy and possibility.
Be it the smile on a child’s face.
The cat lying in the one sunny spot in the house.
The birds with overly optimistic ideas on what is a suitable stick for a nest, but they still try.
The buds on shrubs and flowers heralding the impending and inevitable arrival of spring and warm sunny days.
A cup of tea in bed brought by a loving partner.
The sound of a concert stadium, the unified joy of all the participants.
The poppies of Flanders Fields.
The welcoming hands of strangers in Poland, Romania, Moldova and Hungry.
Around all these things may be challenges (indeed the worst challenges we can imagine) but to be hopeful and optimistic is not a simple choice, nor a naive choice but an active and often challenging choice. It means being able to see potential solutions to challenges. It means being the “supportive arm” to those who are burdened. It means changing the narrative from “half empty” to “half full”. It is to believe that things can ultimately be better.
It is easy to believe that the biggest challenges from any form of prejudice are those most overt, vocal issues. But in all likelihood it is those “silent pillars of prejudice” that create a deeper rooted challenge to change. It is a topic that is discussed in depth in John Barnes, the ex-England footballers, excellent book The Uncomfortable Truth about Racism. But as John also touches on in his book its not just true of racism but with respect to any form of discrimination.
The reality is that someone who is being openly prejudiced is to some degree easier to deal with because there is no hiding their opinion of a specific situation. There is no place for offensive or illegal behaviour but it also likely does not reflect the general population opinion. More likely a bigger challenge is these unconscious bias’s, that given we all will have some, can really impact large groups of people.
A manager may for example have an unconscious bias with respect to women and senior leadership positions. The result is the women end up having to achieve more than male colleagues before they get promoted. Add in any other unconscious bias’s the manager may have with respect to race, gender or illness or disability and you can see for some groups life can suddenly become very hard indeed. We all like to think we don’t have these unconscious bias’s but we do. As John says in his book, it is good to sometimes stop and ask yourself why am I thinking/doing that. Am I making an assumption because of an unconscious bias. If someone says this is a problem then we need to listen and not just dismiss them because that’s not how we see the situation. It might not be the situation for us but it very likely is the situation for them.
It is also a better way to explain the glass ceiling and the lack of diversity in senior leadership positions. Potential candidates are dismissed before they even had a chance because of unconscious assumptions that are being made. How many quiet souls end up in these leadership positions, not many, because many people think quiet means weak, when actually these quiet folk might not say a lot but when they do boy do they make a point and probably because they have spent some time thinking about it a more rounded and valid point. The reality is every manager will have an unconscious view of every employee. Looking back I did. We need to recognise that and make sure we ask the person how they see themselves and they may surprise us but remember it doesn’t mean they are the ones who are wrong.
But this unconscious bias can affect all aspects of life. Oh she’s a bit eccentric. Oh he never comes out, no point inviting him. They don’t mix etc. We all do it and if we can recognise we do it we can potentially make a huge difference to other peoples lives. But also we need to be aware the others may be doing this to us and not being afraid to call people out about it. By each of us making this small change, recognising we can have unconscious biases we really could effect significant and positive change.
It sometimes feels like everyone is angry all of the time. Every event however minor releases a flurry of anger. Now a bit of anger directed where its needed can be a good thing it can result in purposeful change but that’s not what I talking about here. No its the relentless anger that seems to pervade everything these days and the danger is that this is very bad for our health both physical and mental.
Take an average day on social media and many of my contacts will be tagging articles and venting their frustrations but more often than not their anger. Because of how interconnected many people are this will be followed up by other people responding and commenting and suddenly this anger is spreading its tentacles very quickly as well as morphing such that the anger increases. It some ways its quite fascinating. But it has serious implications as well.
New York Times columnist David Brooks recently suggested historians define our era by pervasive fear in politics, media and society. We are biologically wired to deal with threats, the body is designed with fright and flight mechanisms which were fantastic in the past when escaping from a sabre tooth tiger. But today are bodies are responding to work, politics and most definitely the media. Our balance has gone and everything is bad and we respond as such; the train is late – explosive anger, I don’t agree with that political statement – explosive anger, I don’t like your blog post – explosive anger, yet more “bad” news – explosive anger. Is it little wonder that concerns for mental health are increasing and in particular in children, especially when we consider what we and they are exposed to all the time.
The internet is a wonderful thing it allows connectivity, its how I am able to write this post and communicate with anyone who wants to read it. The internet allows the sharing of information. The trouble with humans is we are hard wired to seek out bad news, its what protects us. But the trouble today is the media knows this, it whats behind most of the “click-bait” and so do many people when they are writing social posts. If I share a happy item on Facebook for example I will get some feedback but if I really want to feed my ego and get lots of responses I would just have to post something that had more negative connotations. The main stream media know this too; everything is a crisis, the worst ever, a disaster. Somethings are but not everything and even if something is bad it doesn’t mean there is a solution.
Its the things that are not really a crisis that we really need to stamp on for the sake of all our health. If my train is late its not a crisis, its annoying but I will get home, there will be a solution. A few fuel stations not having fuel was not a crisis, again it was annoying but there was a solution and it wasn’t fanning flames of panic. The media claims they were just reporting the news but that was disingenuous and they know it. I often go past my local fuel station and it doesn’t have fuel, it doesn’t typically make the news. The population is currently fragile after 18 months of a pandemic, little glimmers of light are therefore rich pickings for anyone that wants to tell you “something bad will happen” and “you won’t get to enjoy it”. The surprise surprise you are angry again.
Is it any wonder that so many young people seem to think we have no hope, that they despair and stressed to an extent that I don’t recall from my own childhood. We need to take a look at how we respond but also how we help them respond. Humans are remarkable they can create the most beautiful things and solve the most complex challenges. Yes there needs to be a will but as we have seen over the last year humans can effect change quickly and efficiently. Now you may point out that perhaps we need to do more of that and I would not necessarily disagree but lets get creative and encourage ideas.
For the last few weeks I have been attempting to limit my access to news and news feeds for the very simple reason it was making me either miserable or annoyed or even both. Now this is not some “stick my head in the sand” moment, ignoring everything that is going on in the world but more a case that I did not need news fed to me constantly with an associated constant stream of dire adjectives. Because as you may have noticed, the only news is bad news, even opinion pieces from the written media are full of, well, misery.
Now we as the public do have to take some of the blame for this and in part this is the way our brains are wired, when out hunting and gathering it was important to be aware of danger and risk but in the modern world this has lead to a rise in misery reporting. When asked most people state they want to hear good news, but despite this numerous studies have shown the opposite and that when given the choice people inevitably click on the bad news stories. Therefore, surprise, surprise, this is where the media focuses. And in a competition to the bottom the stories become ever more angst ridden. This constant stream of negative reporting will invariably lead to a view of the world that is well wide of the reality, but becomes the reality because we are told it is so. Its not just professional media, social media as well can breed this misery cycle.
So in an attempt to break my news habit, which had been exacerbated by working from home, the pandemic and lockdown, my New Years Resolution has been to ween myself away from the news. As with any addiction its only when you tell yourself you are going to stop do you firstly, recognise quite how often you clicked on news and secondly how automatically you had got into the habit of just picking up the phone etc. As a means of helping myself kick the habit I have set myself the challenge to improve my skills in a foreign language, so now everytime I get the urge to pick up the phone or tablet to just have a look, I click on the Duolingo app instead and after 5 minutes of German language skills I am ready to go off and do something else, I have learnt something and I continue to break the addiction.
So how is the detox going, well initially to be honest it felt absolutely weird not to have this constant stream of updates. But in reality, major events have occurred, I heard about them a few hours later and other than surprise at the events themselves, the world didn’t collapse because I didn’t know about them instantly. Indeed by the time I did hear about them there was a better understanding of what was going on and less mindless fill from the reporters. I heard about it, I filed it in my brain, I was aware but it was dealt with. There was nothing for me to do here, I stepped away from endless analysis and I carried on with what I was doing prior to that.
Most importantly I am happier, there is space in my brain for other things, I am more objective and I can focus my energies on those aspects that are immediately and really needing my attention and the reality is most of those occur within a very small distance of where I may be sitting at the time. For more long term challenges I would rather read well researched books or watch a documentary, where perspective including all sides of the arguments are provided and hope and potential solutions are offered. So its not that I have lost my passion for things, its just I believe that you evoke change and improvements by showing people the positives and exciting ways forward, not through misery reporting. So for me in 2021 No News is Good News.
Sometimes life is just terribly cruel, the fingers of fate playing a tune no-one saw coming. Just over a week ago sitting in the memorial chapel at my brother-in-laws funeral I have never been more struck by this. At just 48 years old and leaving behind a wife and young children the rank unfairness was never clearer. The irony in that the transplant that was to give him a new beginning should end up rejecting him and lead to the loss of his life.
But in among the grief there were stories of a life, although short, lived to the full, a man who had never been afraid to take an opportunity or to follow a dream. Here was someone who had traveled the world and lived in multiple countries. Who would lead his travelling companions on just one more adventure; no risk assessment applied. His love for his wife and children, a stay-at-home dad who had shown his children the joy of being in the now and encouraging them to be who they wanted to be not what others said they should be. Children for who this loss was immeasurable. In his life, he had definitely followed the maxim “Just do it”.
And that was the message from his best friend at the end of the eulogy, a question and a message to us all, “what will you do?”. We none of know what may happen in life but we can take each day and live it, how we want to. Walking away from the grind of 9-5 was something I had already done and have never been happier, so he would definitely have approved of this. But equally I needed to find something else, something new to honour his memory.
The answer was actually quite simple when I thought about it. It is to step back from much of mainstream social media and the constant anger that is there. Life has many rich varieties, differences are what makes this such an interesting tapestry of experience. Will I agree with everything my friends and acquaintances say, no. But constant anger, failure to listen and snippy comments help no-one; where the commentary becomes one sided and very angry with a view of what is right when often all that is being discussed is a difference of opinion. There is time to be angry where there is bigotry or hurt. However, anger pervades so much of social media but we need to save the anger for when it truly should be applied and so often it isn’t.
Moving forward I plan to interact on social media only with those who as well as having views they feel confident to express, are happy to step back and listen as they understand there can be another opinion, who can agree to disagree as well as share with me views and opinions I had not considered. People who positively challenge and are prepared to be challenged in their views; who knows if we chew-the-cud for long enough we may both end up in a different place to the one we thought. These are the people who will ultimately enrich my life, as I hope I will theirs. Quite simply life is to short for unnecessary anger.
Looking onto the Marshes 